


Beyond Desolation

by Agarserv



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Aftermath, Aftermath of Violence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:15:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24865156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Agarserv/pseuds/Agarserv
Summary: In the aftermath of the events in The Last of Us Part II, Ellie returns to Jackson. Something that should have been so simple, but couldn't possibly be any harder on her.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 31
Kudos: 341





	1. Chapter 1

Song | [Shawn James - The Guardian (Ellie's Song)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-33v7bJLIc)

* * *

There wasn’t any sort of breeze in the air, there wasn’t anything in the glowing sunscape near the farmhouse to distract one’s thoughts away from the obvious. Especially not as quiet--yet exhausted steps converged down a beaten path. Towards a place they called home. And...a place she hadn’t been to in a long time.

  
So she couldn’t escape her thoughts. She hadn’t been able to since she left on that damn boat, or when she finally made it back to Wyoming. Or even when she found the sight of the oh so familiar place ahead...only for it to be empty.

  
Instead, she looked to her hand, at the way the missing halves of two of her fingers were still slightly reddened. The way they looked as though she’d gotten into a fight with a bear or some other animal. The way they slightly itched on areas that weren’t there anymore. Or the way they’d hurt whenever something touched them with just a little too much pressure.

  
But that wasn’t what hurt Ellie the most. She could argue and say it was her side. Hitting the side of the tree the way she did wasn’t exactly her proudest or more graceful moment, and if someone like Dina were to see her stitch work? There’d be some sarcastic insults to say the least.

  
But it left her with those same thoughts that each brought a specific yet different pain to her heart.

  
The thought of returning back to Jackson...and to Dina, just as she was now, with nothing but missing fingers and more injuries, without the vengeance she promised Tommy. With the vacant farmhouse that Dina and JJ left god knows how long ago. 

  
All of...that...and what happened before stung in a way she was almost sure her heart couldn’t handle. But with each painful step her tired feet took further down the trail, their voices, their faces, and the way that the damned cycle of violence she found herself entangled over and over again within Seattle, all came trailing back.

  
She knew she wasn’t the only one caught in it. Not only did Dina come with, but Tommy and Jesse on their own too. All at their own damned, stubborn will. Not to mention those already involved in their own wars. Seraphites and the Washington Liberation Front. Even Abby as she could tell…

  
The more she thought about it, through tightening muscles in her jaw and brows, the more she realized that Abby did exactly what she would’ve done if she were in her shoes. And she as a reaction to that only continued it. Over and over until what was supposed to be their final fight. Where she remembers vicious words and fists flying between her and the other woman. Where she could hardly feel the pain in her broken arm or her bleeding face once she grabbed Dina and had nearly killed her...even after being told she was pregnant.

  
It was only when that scarred boy spoke up did she stop. And Ellie remembered seeing him at the pillars back at Santa Barbara too...where a weakened and skinny Abby had pulled him off the pillars as soon as she’d been cut free. Not caring about that threat she made in Seattle towards Ellie...until she forced her to fight.

  
She bit her lip, weakly kicking up some of the dirt in frustration and guilt in herself. That wasn’t her. That wasn’t who she was. To threaten to harm a child just so she could get a fight in. Just so she could relive herself of the pain she kept feeling ever since Joel…

  
Ever since he died. Just like the rest of them.

  
It was only then did Ellie realize through stinging eyes and full body aches that her worst fear had possibly come back to haunt her once more. That there was a chance she was alone once again.

* * *

  
The gates of Jackson are quiet. As Ellie slowly remembered through her solemn mind that patrols were likely still out, and supplies weren’t being moved in just yet. With lookouts talking and laughing about something. A sound she didn’t expect to hear so warmly. Especially after hearing so many with malice, or after that of an atrocious act. 

  
Instead, she moved to grip her side a bit more. There’s no way she doesn’t look like a hot mess right now. And there’s no way they’re going to react like everything’s normal when they see her.

  
She almost feels awkward, staying off gently to the right, just out of sight from them. And that, in her little delving mind, she could say that maybe she was anxious in a way. Worried about something that wouldn’t happen. That she’d get those images flashing in her mind again.

  
If she did, she’d definitely look a lot worse to the nearby lookouts.

  
She let out a sharp hiss as she moved the wrong way. One her injured side so easily denies while she moves out of the thin brush. They don’t hear it, as even though it was a noise amongst their large gates, she’d somehow managed to suppress it...even a little bit.

  
That doesn’t matter though, as she moved just a few steps further, one of their eyes trained on her like a hawk. And the next thing she realizes is the glint of their scopes.

  
They certainly haven’t recognized her yet…

  
“It’s me!” She hoarsely shouted. Almost shaking her head at how broken it sounded. At how weak she must’ve looked and seemed. But those thoughts in her mind had to switch away, she couldn’t focus on that. Not for now at least. “It’s Ellie.”

  
“Holy shit.” One of them said, just loud enough to hear. And she watched as they turned around, waving their free hand up and down like a bird. “Open the gates!”

  
He hollered it a few times, other voices clashing over and over so quickly that Ellie could hardly understand them. Her heart nearly went quick. Word definitely would spread through the town quick, and it didn’t make any of what she wanted or had to do any easier.

  
Soon, with a few more steps closer, she noticed the people pushing them open. The familiar sound sweeping over her easily and warmly. Something she...wasn’t quite expecting at all.

  
Part of her expected to die in either of those fights with Abby. But now that neither of them did, and she was finally back once again? Her mouth could only go dry.

  
Someone—she couldn’t even focus enough to tell who, ran up to her, and she would’ve laughed at how their eyes widened at how she looked had her side not been burning like a wildfire for the past few seconds. But even with that, and the soreness of quite literally everything else, Ellie shook her head at every attempt at help. 

  
No, she didn’t want to be helped inside.

  
No, she didn’t need a stretcher.

  
No...she definitely didn’t need to go into the clinic. Not now at least.

  
There was too much on her mind. Her pain. The guitar she left back at the farmhouse. Tommy. Maria. Dina and JJ…

  
She only hoped they were still here. They had to be right? No way would Dina leave a place she so easily called her home. And especially not if that could potentially place JJ in danger…

  
Her head began to ache more, and she couldn’t tell for what reason. Her list was far too many to name why it could. But she couldn’t care about that now. Not as she stared down at her boots to ignore the stares of people nearby. Or the way that her ears almost rang when people called her name.

  
She could lie to them. That was easy. Especially when she didn’t look at their faces. When she didn’t recognize them from the loud thuds in her eardrums that synced with her heartbeat. She didn’t want them to see the look on her face as she did it. Or theirs either, as her physical state probably showed it more than anything.

  
But it’s not until she felt a hand on her arm, slightly tugging, did Ellie realize she had to turn around. Trying to hide the pain on her face and trying to block out her name being called again and again and again.

  
But it isn’t until she sees Maria’s face, one of almost complete shock and sheer worry as she looks at the girl’s features, does Ellie let her thin walls crumple. Almost leaning too heavily on the woman as the hand moved to her shoulder in a more comforting manner. And as much as Ellie hates this and hates that everyone can see her right now, she needs it. She needs to be told it’s over and she needs to do so much so fast…but she’s so tired.

  
“Ellie.” She heard again, finally lifting her eyes to look back at Maria. Her once feeble attempts to block her out came to a halt as the woman took a look around them. As if she was noting everyone around them. As if she could feel exactly what Ellie was feeling.

  
But she knew she couldn’t. No one would.

  
“Let’s get you inside.” The older woman said softly. Keeping her gaze on the girl lingering slightly longer, as if she’d break down right that moment. But once she’s sure that Ellie doesn’t...or at least won’t yet, she turned to the others. Saying something once more unheard by the younger girl before she begins leading her to where Ellie can only presume is what once was her and Tommy’s house. The path seems all too familiar.

  
Everything was a daze as she finally heard a door open. The arm around her shoulders is not easing off just yet as Maria continues to mumble something else in a comforting tone. Ellie hadn’t exactly expected this sort of reaction from Maria. And it either must’ve been the way she looked or the woman’s sixth sense, but she was for once glad for it.

  
“Do you need food?” The woman asked, finally releasing her grasp on the girl when she’s sure she won’t topple over immediately. “Water? Anything at all right now?”

  
“I’m okay.” Ellie lied straight through her teeth. And she could just tell Maria knew it too. But having known her for years, it seemed the older woman knew her stubborn side well enough to let her off with it for now. Especially in this sort of condition. “Just tired.”

  
Maria bit her lip, as if debating if Ellie could even make it up the stairs. “Couch okay? I don’t want you waking up more sore than you already are, especially if you haven’t been to the clinic yet...which you’ll definitely need to do soon-“

  
“I know.” Ellie sighed exhaustively. “I will. I promise...can I just stay here a while though? Please?”

  
The look she got from Maria told her everything. Empathy, it was similar when she got back after Joel...after she’d been beaten and he’d been killed like he did. It was the way the woman looked at her when she first came back to Jackson all those years ago. And the way she looked at her when she returned from the hospital after leaving in the middle of the night...when she finally got the hard truth from Joel.

  
“Alright. I can bring down some blankets if you need some. Don’t go exploring the town now, you hear?”

  
There’s a hint of amusement in her voice. And Ellie couldn’t help but appreciate that she’s at least trying to bring back any little normalities that could still be here in this very moment. But she couldn’t say them either, her shoulders were beginning to sag and her feet were dragging slowly as she removed her shoes. Almost limping to the couch nearby.

  
Her thoughts wandered to what Tommy would think now that she was back...and that Abby wasn’t dead. But she wasn’t changing her mind. She just...couldn’t do it. And maybe in a weird way she’d saved Abby herself by cutting her down from the pillars, but now? She doesn’t care where she and that boy are. She doesn’t need it to. And she knows she’ll have to repeat it to Tommy, who’ll probably hate her guts for it. But for now? Maybe that forgiveness to Joel can spread just slightly to Abby. Enough that, as Ellie closes her tired eyes, she won’t be looking for her anymore.

  
For vengeance wouldn’t do anyone good anymore.

* * *

She’s awoken by voices. Almost startling her as Ellie had to take a few moments to realize where she was. Back in Jackson, back in Maria’s house, and on her couch with a blanket.

  
She’d be lying if she said she felt that much better, yet even with the cold soreness of nearly every part of her body, any ounce of sleep she could get was a success at this point. And a sign that she might’ve just done the right thing all the way back in Santa Barbara.

  
But she can’t think on it for long as the voices start getting louder. She doesn’t bother to open her eyes, and while a half of her tugs her to fall back into an impossibly peaceful sleep, another keeps her awake. Knowing she’d listen to the voices just as they start to get familiar.

  
“I have to talk to her. I need to know, Maria. You know that. I know that.” Tommy’s voice rumbled through the house as the screen door slammed behind him. And Ellie’s heart dropped as she heard the footsteps come closer towards the living room. 

  
She knew she had to tell him at one point. But now? She didn’t know if she could deal with it now. It felt too soon, she wanted to do it on her own time-

  
“Not now, Tommy.” Maria’s voice almost startled her as she can hear the footsteps all stop in their tracks not too many feet away. “That girl looks like she’s been through absolute hell. You can wait your sorry ass out while she sleeps.”

  
“And if she didn’t do it? What if she just got the shit kicked out of her again and came limping back? She made a promise to me, Maria. And I can’t just wait to find out if she killed the woman who murdered Joel or not.”

  
“You can, and you will.” Maria’s voice went slightly louder, yet Ellie could tell she was holding her voice down to keep from waking her. “She needs rest. Hell she needs a lot more than just rest. And yet you want to get information out of her like that? I thought she was family.”

  
“She is-”

  
“Then fucking act like it. You always said ‘your cause is your family now’. And now is your time to show it.”

  
“I have for years- do you even understand-” He pauses. “My brother was murdered, Maria. And now his killer could still be out there for all I know. I can’t just let that go unanswered.”

  
“And someone who was like a daughter to him is still alive. She’s family, Tommy. And maybe...maybe it’s time to let this go.”

  
There’s some other mumbling as Ellie can hear him still arguing. He was definitely stubborn just like the rest of them, but she could only hope that it would end soon enough.

  
The door closed again, and only then does Ellie squint her eyes open. Taking in the now near-nightly environment. She listened to the way the quiet overtook the rest of the house again, almost thinking she was alone again, until Maria suddenly spoke up behind her.

  
“Oh.” She caught herself, moving to the other side of the couch as she eyed the girl. Seemingly looking at her for any sign of more pain across her numerous injuries. “I- sorry, if that woke you up.”

  
“It’s alright.” She yawned, finally sitting up from the couch as the soreness began to make itself present once again. “I have...stuff I need to do anyway.”

  
“So I heard. I won’t give my opinion on some of those...won’t be of much use based on how much is probably going through your mind.” Maria awkwardly shifts onto her other foot, looking down at Ellie as if she was trying to read her. “Just...be careful around Tommy for now. Tell him what happened out there whenever you feel ready to, I know he may be an ass about it at times, but he cares.”

  
Ellie nodded, but it was plainly visible on her face that she seemed unsure of it all. She’d made a promise to Tommy sure, but she couldn’t keep it. That’s all he’d seemingly see it as.

  
A betrayal.

  
“Yeah.” She finally answered. “Do...do you need to know?”

  
“Not if you don’t want to tell me. No matter what happened, it doesn’t change how I see you, Ellie. You’re still you, you know?”

  
“Yeah...but if you want to know before Tommy tells you in some complete rage, better you ask now.”

  
Maria only nods, placing the mug in her hands onto a table nearby. Her shoes tapped nearly silently within the house. “I take it you didn’t kill her then?”

  
“No.” Ellie sighed, and it feels like there’s a weight on her chest. She braced for images to flash across her face. Of Joel or of Abby...of something that would make her regret that choice. Think of it of a failure or something that could send her right out through Jackson again.

  
But she doesn’t, it’s only guilt. Guilt of before. Of what happened in Seattle. Of what she herself did.

  
Ellie’s eyes slightly widened, staring deep into the scratched wooden flooring as if she was about to fall through them. Her hands gripped the crouch tighter as she couldn’t even look at Maria. “I couldn’t.”

  
There’s more silence. And Ellie can’t tell if it's a good thing or not. But the more it lasted the more she felt like she was going to throw up right then and there, so she had to continue.

  
“I nearly did...we were fighting, and by then I didn’t even know if I wanted her to kill me or the other way around...but I had her in the water. I could’ve if I just held her under for longer but I just couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t want to.” She paused, glancing at Maria’s face skeptically as if she was prepared to be yelled at by her.” Even though I promised Tommy-”

  
“What you promised Tommy means nothing right now.” She suddenly interrupted, kneeling by Ellie as she seemed to be careful with her next words. “I think this is a promise you could break. He asked too much of you, I knew it as soon as he told me. He just...lost himself in some way after what happened in Seattle. And that’s not your fault. All I know is that you prevented yourself from being lost in that sort of way, too.”

  
Ellie doesn’t do much but nod. This sort of situation feels awkward to her. A part of her knows Maria is speaking the truth about a subject like...this, but another feels as though she can’t believe it. That she should get some sort of punishment for what she did...for her failure or whatever you could call the end of her so-called ‘vengeance’.

  
“You should eat.” Maria suddenly said, standing up with a hand offered to the younger girl as confused eyes meet hers. “It looks like it’s been a bit, unless I’m somehow wrong about that.”

  
Ellie could almost smirk. That was the Maria she knew. And was at least one person she hadn’t lost yet.

  
Maybe there was hope for the others just yet…

  
Though she can’t really deny what Maria said either, as her stomach rumbling at any given moment could give her right away. “Yeah, it’s been a while.”

  
“Think you can handle coming with me? Could pick up anything you want, Ellie.”

  
“Anything but bigot sandwiches.”

  
There’s a short laugh from Maria, who only shook her head as she led the girl to the door. “Deal. And I’ll make sure no one else gets in your hair, okay?”

  
“I’ll be fine, Maria.” She said back, the look in her eyes prominently truthful as far as Maria could tell. That glint of who Ellie truly was still there to shine back at her. The tiny smile that cemented it without worry.

  
She smiled back, warmer than before. “I know you will, Ellie.”

* * *

  
The near immediate smell of food almost swept Ellie off her feet as soon as she and Maria walked into the Tipsy Bison Bar. The warm feeling colliding with the music was a sensation of home Ellie thought she lost long ago. Almost feeling alien to her after everything that’d occurred between Seattle and Santa Barabara. 

  
She’s almost surprised there aren’t tears in her eyes by the time Maria asks her what she wants to eat. 

  
“Well?” The older woman repeated, smirking again as she could see the glint of excitement gently return to Ellie’s eyes. It was as if she was innocent again, as if she was learning about Jackson for the first time.

  
It was bliss.

  
“I’d kill for a burger right now.” Ellie quietly said, noticing them short looks others would give her, or the wide smiles of relief between them.

  
Word was definitely spreading fast…

  
“I thought you didn’t want a sandwich?” Maria joked, only to see a confused Ellie looking back.

  
“That counts as a sandwich?”

  
“Probably, if you dumb it down enough in that brain of yours.” She grinned, poking the side of Ellie’s temple before heading up for the order.

  
While she waited, the teen could only lean back against one of the dark wooden walls and listen to the music around her. It’d sounded like they must’ve found some new albums while some of the others were out on lookout during their patrols. This one had a certain hum to it that could easily have lulled her to sleep had she not already done so just before they left.

  
But even then, it draws her memory back to the guitar she left in the vacant farmhouse. Joel’s guitar. Something she really should be getting back to at some point soon. Or at least...something she should get if the house is going to remain vacant.

  
She surely hoped not, but Ellie definitely knew not to get her hopes up by this point.

  
So for now, she digs her footing into the present. With just a...really long list of things to do now that she’s back.

  
And a helluva lot more time.

  
Her cursory eyes caught Maria heading back, a brown package in her hand that signified something mouth watering to Ellie. Another symbol of home, and food so good she could at least smile again. Not something small or feigned, but a real one.

  
“It’s good to see you smile like that.” Maria laughed. “Shoulda known food would do that so easily.”

  
“Old habit.” Ellie smirks, almost embarrassed just by the simple fact that she’d been smiling.

  
But before she even gets the chance to rip open the brown bag like a ravaging animal and gorge her food in mere seconds, the door opens again. The empty breeze remained stagnant in the building in such a sharp contrast to what’d been like all the way back in winter or when they returned, but it was enough to get her attention back to the door. As if some cold settled on her skin and her hands shook just like they did outside Joel’s house so long ago. 

  
Her heart quickened again just as she locked eyes with them. The way they recognized them yet felt like a stranger. The way she recognized every part of that specific person so well she could very well be glowing in the middle of the room.

  
Dina. She almost looked more tired than before. Her ponytail is a bit of a mess and her hair’s curlier than usual. Her current clothing’s more loose and baggy...but it’s Dina. And Ellie realizes she’s going to have to tell her- and apologize and do so much more to-

  
“Ellie?” Her almost broken voice rips through the sudden silence. Eyes widened in almost shock as they glazed over just a blink later.

  
Her mouth is too dry to say anything back.

  
Maria mouthed something to the others and at some point disappeared from Ellie’s side. But she doesn’t care. All she can focus on is Dina like she’s the only person in the room. Her anxiousness is like what it was back at the dance. She could almost say she felt feverish seeing her walk closer, almost as if she was approaching a scared or injured animal. Looking at her like she was a ghost and only stopping when she can see each and every detail of her face. The cold colors of Ellie’s bruises are more colorful in the warm light they’re under.

  
“I...I thought that they were all bullshitting when they said you were back.” She whispered, her eyes still gazing at Ellie like a deer in headlights. Utter disbelief...as if she was in some sort of dream or nightmare. “But...I don't’t even know what to fucking think right now. You’re here and-”

  
“And I’m not leaving again.” Ellie suddenly spurted out, surprising herself at the suddenness and how her interruption makes her realize just how many people are still in the room with them.

  
“Stop.” Dina took a tiny step back, and Ellie’s heart dropped quickly with it. “Don’t tell me that now. You can’t. You don’t have the right.”

  
 _Don’t fuck this up, Ellie._ She thinks to herself. Be you. Just be your fucking self and don’t even think about lying to her.

  
She meekly looked back up to Dina. “I know. Trust me-”

  
“I can’t just trust you so easily after what you did, don’t you understand that?” 

  
She nearly yelled that time, and seemed to see the pain wash over Ellie’s face like a wet cloth. The awkward looks on everyone else’s faces also became painfully apparent as well.

  
“We can’t do this here.” She scoffed, moving closer towards Ellie and grabbing one of her hands before the girl could even protest. Already beginning to lead her away to where Ellie could only presume and at least try to hope would be where the girl was staying.

  
All she could ask was that it was somewhere safe...though her luck might just have run out considering Dina grabbed the hand that just so happened to not be injured.

  
They walked past the street, the familiar buildings looked just the same as they did when she left. The faces she remembered all either looked at her with confusion, pity, surprise, or an awkward mix if they met her eyes. 

  
Neither said anything to one another. Ellie herself couldn’t think of anything that could suit what just happened in an intricate manner--or at least something that wouldn’t get her yelled at in the middle of the road. While Dina seemed to be building up on what she was saying with each speedy step.

  
Ellie’s appetite was gone, even as she still clung awkwardly to the bag along the trail. It didn’t take long for her to recognize Jesse’s hou- Jesse’s parents’ house. With the shattered post of the front porch still unrepaired and the torn blinds on the far right windows staying all apparent to them. 

  
It was only then did Ellie slowly piece it together. From the note on their table before she left in the middle of the night and the question being ‘where else would Dina go?’.

  
She was staying with Jesse’s parents. They thought of them all like family so it only made sense, so much so that Ellie definitely wanted to slap herself in the face before Dina might just get a chance to.

  
They stopped right near the chipped stairs to the door. An admitted silent gaze fitting between the two as they each have their own lists of questions and answers. 

  
And Ellie couldn’t say she really knew better than to speak up right now, as once again, the words left her lips before she had a chance to stop herself.

  
“Are you okay?”

  
That question seemed to catch Dina by surprise, her mouth moved with absolutely zero words coming out. And for a second Ellie almost thinks that maybe that question was a good thing to ask…

  
But Dina’s words quickly stomp on that chance with no remorse.

  
“Am I okay?!” She scoffed, shaking her head to the preposterous question. “You’ve been gone for so long Ellie! I thought you’ve been fucking dead for weeks! For fucking months! And yet you have the audacity to just fucking ask me that?! Like nothing’s fucking happened at all?!”

  
She shoved Ellie back, it wasn’t so much in aggression so much as it was in pain. As if it was to help herself with each word she was shouting back at the girl. It didn’t matter as much that they were here even in the midst of night if they were going to keep shouting like this. But that wasn’t what mattered now, Ellie knew that.

  
Dina mattered. JJ mattered. She could take the eyes of a couple of onlookers that might pass by if it meant she could have a chance at this.

  
And she knew she couldn’t fuck this one up.

  
It’s only when the silence lasts more for a second with Dina’s icy glare does Ellie speak up again. Her voice was as hoarse as it’d been before. Only sounding more weak and more vulnerable than she’d initially wished, but there was no need to put on any facade. Not for Dina. “I know. I know...trust me. You and JJ...you were probably the only ones that kept me going-”

  
“We should’ve been the ones to keep you here, Ellie.” Dina scolded again. “Yet you just went out there after she nearly killed all of us. After she killed Jesse and-”

  
“I’m not going back after her, Dina. It’s over.”

  
“Oh, so I’m supposed to be happy that you killed her? Was I supposed to envelope you in my arms and just scream about how proud I am you finally got your vengeance for Joel? For Jesse? That you kept your promise to Tommy after he treated you like shit in your own home? Then fine. Good job Ellie, sorry there’s no trophy just waiting for you at home-”

  
“I didn’t kill her!” Her broken yell cuts through the air and Dina’s continued ramble like her switchblade. She almost felt dizzy once the words were followed by the stunned silence. Her breath caught in her throat as her heart picked up again. She already told Maria, and Tommy was surely going to find out soon. Why had she felt this way after telling Dina? Would she think it was all for nothing? Would she hate her even more?

  
Ellie couldn’t help but feel that stinging in her eyes again. The way her jaw tightened as if to prevent any sort of sound from escaping her mouth. The way she stiffened so much the bag in her hand dropped to the ground. Dina’s eyes followed it, and soon looked to the hand. The missing fingers. 

  
And worry plastered all over her face.

  
“Ellie…” Her voice asked in a near whisper. There wasn’t any way the anger was completely gone. But Dina could hold it back for now as she saw the look on the girl’s face. The way the bruises almost glowed now, screaming out at her. The way her hand had been injured like that. 

  
She’d been right to worry each of those nights she spent without her…

  
She ventured slightly closer, tilting her head at her as if she’d s

  
“What do you mean? What do you...what do you mean by you didn’t kill her?”

  
“I mean exactly what I said. I didn’t kill her, Dina. She’s still out there somewhere.” Ellie whispered. Her ramble started to get desperate as she was beginning to speak too fast for her and Dina altogether. “I couldn’t. I’m tired and I’m just done with it all. There’s no use anymore...I made her fight and I nearly did it...but I stopped. She was held by these damn slavers that nearly killed me themselves, and when I finally found her I thought that if I made her fight me then I’d have a good reason to do it. But as soon as I was close I just remembered Joel. I didn’t remember that night anymore. I remembered him. His smile and how I was going to try and forgive him after everything. And then I just see Abby trying to fight for her life and…”

  
“And you let her go.” Dina finished for her, looking at the now trembling hand as Ellie could only look away in shame. For while she would make the same decision had she been back there, she was expecting some sort of consequence. “Ellie, please look at me.”

  
But the girl only shook her head. Balling her good hand up in a fist and letting go back into the shaking form it was before. She couldn’t stop shaking and she couldn’t stop the way that her tired body was dealing with it all. She knew she deserved to be yelled at. She didn’t deserve Dina to just forget about it. 

  
But Dina was too stubborn, there’s no way she was changing back from that now.

  
After what felt like far too many minutes, Ellie’s eyes finally landed on Dina’s. It’s not exactly guilt or sorrow, but just the pure exhaustion from it all. The way they search for some sort of negative reaction in the latter, waiting for something other than the silence.

  
“You didn’t do anything wrong. If anything you...did the right thing. This world is fucked beyond fucked and everything that happened only showed that it affects everyone. Yet you stopped yourself. You weren’t controlled by hatred o-or by whatever the hell you were feeling in the end. I think you proved to Abby you were above everything that happened. Even if she kicked our asses that one time.”

  
There’s a sorrowful laugh from Ellie, her eyes are beyond watery and her shoulders are sagged in exhaustion again, but Dina’s dry humor still rang something within her again. So much so she didn’t even see Dina still inch closer and closer.

  
“She kicked my ass again this time if I’m honest.” She sighed, holding up her hand weakly. “But those slavers did a number on her, I hardly recognized her when I found her hung up on this place called ‘The Pillars’.”

  
“The Pillars?”

  
“It just reminded me of the Seraphites if I’m honest.” Ellie shrugged, almost wincing away her own encounter with them. One where she’d been bleeding for god knows how long, and ended up being bitten again. “But they didn’t do it for their own religious reasons or anything. Just did it because she tried to fucking escape with that kid.”

  
“Sounds like that group was more fucked up than either of you two.”

  
“Yeah. Something like that.” Ellie shrugged. “I guess I saved her in a fucked up way...but it doesn’t matter anymore. I...I don’t care where she is anymore.”

  
Dina nodded. “I know, you don’t need to explain yourself to me anymore. I’m still...I’m still a little mad about...y’know. Being gone for so long while I had to worry so much with JJ...but...you’re okay, right?”

  
The question almost comes with an automatic answer. The word ‘fine’ comes to mind specifically. But the way Ellie knows that Dina’s a human lie detector and someone she can be so...truthful with, makes her pause. It makes her feel weak in an odd way.

  
You’re home. This is okay. She tried to tell herself. Knowing this isn’t like Seattle or Santa Barbara. That no one is going to take advantage of her for being like this.That...it’s just Dina. Dina waiting for her answer. Dina who’s...still moving ever so closer to her. 

  
Dina who is just waiting for it by the look on her face.

  
Ellie just began to shake her head, wiping at tears that hadn’t even showed up yet, and tried to step back to hide herself. But the way her side hurt at the sudden turn only made the slight noise turn into a sob. A small one that could almost go unheard.

  
But the way Dina’s face mirrored her crumpling one told her everything. The way her arms wrapped around her and held her close told her she was heard easily. The slow hushes as her body still trembled, the way her face was buried into her shoulder and held her just as tightly.

  
She began leaning slightly more on the girl. The tiredness and the pain being so apparent now she could hardly even think. Dina only slightly noticed as she looked her up and down, holding her right beneath her arms as that worry from before returned.

  
“Ellie? Physically now, are you okay?”

  
“I think I might need some better stitchwork if I’m honest. I’m not that good at it myself.” She tries to quip, but her dry laugh is cut off by another grimace as her hand instinctively moves to her side.

  
Dina only grew more worried, already lifting the edge of Ellie’s jacket to see the bloodied, matted shirt beneath. It seemed old as far as she could tell, but Ellie’s words didn’t help her worry as she could only feel her own heart quicken.

  
“Ellie, I think you need to go to the clinic for that-”

  
“I don’t need it. I stitched it up a while ago.”

  
There was at least some truth in that statement, but as she admitted just earlier, it was quite shitty work. And the way it hurt was certainly not helping. 

  
And Dina could see it so simply across her face. But she knew Ellie was too stubborn to go to the actual clinic. Maybe as soon as she could help her, the two of them could have the conversation they so desperately needed.

  
“Here, Jesse’s parents are asleep. We can get you cleaned and patched up there.” Dina told her, it was almost automatic. As if it rolled off her tongue so perfectly and as if she was just in autopilot right now. 

  
Ellie wanted to disagree. She didn’t want to be taken care of. She didn’t deserve it after everything she did...but she had to relent. Just this once. If not for herself, then for Dina. She knew she’d need to make sure she was okay for herself over anyone else. 

  
Just in case.

  
Dina picked the fallen bag off the ground. Offering it over to Ellie with a determined look on her face. 

  
“You can eat while we’re up there, I can get you some water too.”

  
“It’s alright.” Ellie lied through her teeth again, and just by the look on Dina’s face she knew she was caught in her bullshit. But she just continued. “I’ll be fine.”

  
“Right.” Dina shook her head. “Just...do it anyway, okay? I just...I just want to be sure I guess.”

  
She only gave a short nod back before she grabbed the bag, letting Dina tentatively take her injured hand. She watched the way she looked it over, the way she winced at the sight of it all, or the way she stopped herself from touching at the still sore flesh. As if she somehow knew it’d hurt. 

  
Maybe it was obvious, Ellie wasn’t as intricate with medical knowledge as she was. Sure she got lucky with Joel so long ago, and now herself...but she surely wouldn’t take up the job of becoming a doctor anytime soon.

  
After the quick inspection, Dina slowly led her inside. It was almost deafeningly quiet. The two of them trying to be as silent as they could with the older couple sleeping in a room nearby. Unaware of the return of someone they considered as family, and somehow not hearing the earlier outbursts from the both of them.

  
 _A strum of luck_ Ellie thought to herself. Grimacing with each agonizing step up the stairs that ignited the flame of pain in her side. She didn’t know how she ran on so much adrenaline after it’d first happened in Santa Barbara, but all of it was pretty much drained by now.

  
It felt like she'd climbed a mountain by the time they finally made it up the stairs. There were still boxes splayed out through the hallways with some of Dina’s belongings. And a few specifically caught her eye. 

  
Like the old elephant toy that’d been leaning against the wall. Ears lopsided and a hole in one of its feet. The little colors practically glowed to Ellie as she wanted to ask this question so badly. But the way her skin hurt at the thought of it—and subsequently worry about angering Dina further or waking either of Jesse’s parents...forbade her in a sense.

  
 _Miss you JJ_ She thought, knowing that he’d surely be in one of the nearby rooms. But each time she’d attempt to turn and look, that damned pain in her side would catch her off guard.

  
“We’re almost there, Ellie.” Dina whispered to her. Somehow misunderstanding the situation more than the other initially thought was ever possible. But she listened. Lying to herself into an act that she knew she’d have to wait to find out more of JJ.

  
By the time they made it to the bathroom tile, Dina had practically been dragging Ellie, who could’ve cooed at the way the cold floor felt against her sore limbs. Finally able to let go of the facade that she was physically okay, she slumped down on the floor and leaned against the sink drawers. Eyes closed in slight rest as she waited for her heartbeat to stop thudding in her ears again.

  
She only opened them when she felt the back of Dina’s hand on her forehead, looking up to the girl’s tiny wave and almost feigned smile. “Still with me?”

  
“Sadly.” Ellie smirked. Hoping for some sort of laugh to her dry humor, only to get a significantly worse sad smile back. Even if it felt awkward or hurt to see, she knew she had to try to bring back some of what they had. And starting with just being who she is was possibly a good way to fix it.

  
“Well, just so I know what I’m getting myself into…” Dina began, crouching down as she looked back to the bloodied shirt with a grimace. “Mind telling me how some of this happened?”

  
“Which one first?”

  
“I’d have to go with the brutalized part here.” She looked back at the shirt again. “What color was this even supposed to be before this happened?”

  
“Can’t remember.” Ellie almost laughed, only to realize those words she mentioned were completely true. “But uh...might’ve gotten myself caught into a trap-”

  
“A trap? You?” Dina looked over, not sure if she was supposed to be shocked or unsurprised at all. “What kind of trap did that?!” 

  
Ellie shook her head. “Wasn’t exactly the trap that did it...more so the way it swung me over to get myself stabbed by the side of a tree.”

  
Dina winced just imagining it, from the amount of blood she lost...it could be a whole lot worse than what she is imagining. But Ellie simply continued, and she wasn’t sure if it made it worse or better.

  
“I couldn’t cut myself down...so I just bled out there for a while until those slaver guys found me.”

  
“Wait.” Dina interrupted, a tight grip still on the hem of Ellie’s shirt. “This was in the beginning?”

  
Ellie only nodded.

  
“Christ, Ellie.” She shook her head. Of course it was. And of course Ellie kept on going. She shouldn’t be surprised about this but all it told her was that she was right to be worried. But after a quick moment, she lifted it, eyeing the stitched injury with a slight pain hitting her heart. 

  
“Well…” She began. “Nothing I can’t fix I guess…” She looked back to Ellie, seeing the almost embarrassed nod. “And you were right.”

  
Ellie blinked in surprise. “About…?”

  
“About how bad you are at stitching yourself up.” 

  
And after just a beat of silence, Ellie couldn’t help but laugh a little. And as soon as she laughed, Dina did too. The two of them. Looking like absolute messes on the bathroom floor of Jesse’s parents’ house. Laughing it up about how bad Ellie is at treating her own injuries. 

  
A part of her felt like it was the funniest joke she’d heard in months, another just doing it because Dina’s laughing too. And another is doing it in hopes that this could happen more. Whether it’s them laughing about themselves or just being themselves in general.

  
It made her elated. Like she was back when she had that first kiss with Dina.

  
“You’re such a dick.” Ellie sighed, letting her smile go unhidden once more.

  
“Maybe, but I am speaking from the truth. You can see it right on my face can’t you?”

  
“All I can focus on is how you smell like a hot pile of garbage.” 

  
“Oh? Well you’d be delighted to hear that you look exactly how I smell.” 

  
She only rolled her eyes in return, looking back to the injury as just another thing on her list to do. While she knew there was...absolutely no way Dina forgave her just yet, this moment at least could make her look forward to what it’d be like when she finally would. 

  
And it’s just then that Ellie realized it’s exactly how Joel felt for so long. Both when he didn’t tell her the truth...and when he finally did.

  
She almost felt that damned stinging in her eyes when Dina grabbed her hand gently. Tearing her attention away from those flashes of memories to his face all the way back at the hospital. The way he’d seemed elated when she told him she’d try to forgive him, or-

  
“Ellie?” Dina’s worried voice repeated.

  
“Sorry.” She whispered. “Side hurts again.”

  
Another lie, nice job you complete dumbass.

  
“Yeah, can’t blame you for that one.” She heard her say, eyes flickering over to the way she held the small personal medkit tightly in her hands. A damp towel in the other as her eyes were just glued to Ellie’s side. 

  
“You’re lucky it’s not infected, you know.” She almost scolded, pressing gently around the stitched area with the cold cloth. And if it hadn’t stung like a bitch, Ellie would’ve been able to respond with something snarky.

  
But maybe now wasn’t the time for it...she wasn’t always good at determining that.

  
“I know.”

  
“But you still went on, huh?”

  
There it was. While that sparkling moment she had before had...definitely ended, she knew this was coming. They couldn’t just waltz around it like nothing ever happened in their lives. Even if it was more painful than her wound right now, she’d have to stitch it all up herself.

  
Hopefully it’d end up being a lot better than how it’d usually look…

  
“Yeah. I did.”

  
Dina didn’t even look at her. She wasn’t sure if that was because she was putting her anger down, if she was really pissed, or if she was too focused on helping her injury. 

  
All of which in separate ways terrified her.

  
“Did you even think about me? About JJ? About anyone back here? I know you did at some point. But when you get into something you can’t handle, you come right back. Don’t you remember that rule, Ellie? Or were you out there for too long?”

  
“I remember it.” She answered. And while that was completely true, she mainly remembered who said it. Who’d said it to her before literally everything had gone to shit. Someone who’d been thrown into it worse than anyone else really had.

  
_I’m sorry Jesse_

  
“But that didn’t matter, did it?” Dina’s voice tears her mind from her thoughts again. Her tone was more pained than harsh. And somehow that was completely worse than being yelled at.

  
“It did. But I was there already.” Ellie told her. Hoping she wouldn’t get cut off at a substantially worse sounding sentence. “In my mind then? I just...I was so close and I thought that if I returned without finishing it then…”

  
“Then what? That you’d get yelled at by Tommy?”

  
“That I wouldn’t be able to move on. To get over it or whatever.” Ellie held her slowly crumbling face. Tightening her jaw and biting her tongue amidst the silence again. She already told Dina what happened. And she already cried in her arms, but to be saying these parts. The parts that weren’t going to be said to anyone else, they were harder. They were harder than anything right now.

  
Dina seemed to ponder it. The pain in her face from the fact that Ellie left in the first place is still visible. Both of them went through something that didn’t need explaining to the other. Both were hurt in one way or another. And just like it did for Joel and to another extent Abby, forgiving Ellie would take time.

  
“You know what hurt the most? About you leaving?” Dina’s eyes locked onto hers. Waiting. Unsure if she would even speak at all. “The fact that as mad as I was at you...I couldn’t help but worry for every second I’d turn around and you weren’t there. The fact that people would talk about you and I couldn’t help but try and get them to stop. I’d tell them that you had to be fine out there. That you could hold your own. I’d wake up with just those fucking memories of everything that happened in Seattle and I couldn’t go to you about them. I’d dream about you being beaten up or dead wherever the hell you were. Maybe even fucking bitten to pieces since for some fucking reason you’re immune-”

  
Ellie made a sudden grab for her wrists. Holding them gently but tight enough so they could be ripped away with a slight movement. “But that didn’t happen. I’m here. Sure...maybe not ‘all in one piece’ but I’m not dead. I’m not rotting away on the beach, Dina.”

  
She only looked away. Tossing the faintly bloodied towel off to the wall in frustration. “I went to Joel’s grave. I went to it nearly every night you were gone. And you want to know what I did?”

  
Ellie’s heart caught in her chest. She wasn’t sure what to think. Did she defile it in some way? Spit on it like that man did on his corpse? He didn’t deserve that...but the same couldn’t be said for her.

  
“I prayed.” Dina wiped at her tears. “I prayed that he’d watch over you. That he’d bring you home so I could just see you walk through the gates. And there were times I felt so stupid for doing it. Because I should’ve been mad at you that entire time. I should’ve been thinking that no matter what happened to you, that nothing would change whether you came back or not.”

  
There’s a pause between them. And Ellie doesn’t bother at hiding her own tears. She knew Dina prayed from time to time after their conversation at the synagogue. But to hear she did it at Joel’s grave? It made her feel something she couldn’t explain.

  
“And then I hear you returned one day. That they saw you.” Dina paused again, her hands shaking and her sobs muffled by the way she bit onto her sleeve. “And I just see you. Just standing there. And you want to know what I thought?”

  
Ellie almost wanted to get up, to help her in some sort of way that could solve this so simply. But of course, like everything that's happened for so long, it wasn’t that easy. It would be unfair if it were that easy.

  
So she could only listen.

  
“I thought about how skinny you’d gotten. How you must’ve gotten those bruises on your face. Or the way you leaned more on one side than the other. I was worried about you again.” She bit her lip, almost trying to see the quiet reaction on Ellie’s face. “And for a moment...I forgot everything that happened. I forgot so much that I even forgot about what happened to Joel for a second.”

  
Ellie looked down. There was nothing she could exactly say to that. Nothing that actually felt right or fitting to how Dina was feeling. There wasn’t any sort of word that could really heal that sort of hidden wound. That sort of thing took time to heal. 

  
And for once in her god damned life...Ellie understood that.

  
Dina sighed at the lack of response. Turning towards the old medkit again and picking up a few bandages, and some sort of solution, before she roughly placed them in Ellie’s arms. “Make sure to clean it every so often. Shouldn’t get as bad as it was now. If the pain gets worse or something, head to the clinic, they’ll know what to do.”

  
Ellie nodded, mouthing a quick ‘thanks’ before she attempted to get up. She had to lean on the sink a bit more than she thought, but it was nothing that could stop her as she pondered Dina’s words. 

  
“You should head home anyway, I left your stuff in your room when I was packing-”

  
“I know.” Ellie mumbled. Not meeting the other girl’s eye. “I um- I went there first...before heading back to Jackson.”

  
“Oh. Well, don’t wanna wake up Jesse’s parents so…”

  
“Yeah…” Ellie whispered again, her shoulders stiffening at the sheer awkwardice and tension in the room. Her arm leaned carefully on the door frame as she looked back to Dina. Noticing the way she simply avoided her gaze. Her heart hurt that it couldn’t be solved tonight. And another thing off her list wasn’t yet fixed. But she’d keep trying. 

  
She had to. 

  
“Well, thanks for patching me up. I um, I’ll see you again soon I guess.” She tried to smile, only to falter when Dina just gave her a short nod. Not watching the way Ellie left through the house into the silent night one more.

* * *

  
Ellie’s skin hurt. It hurt more than her side or her fingers did. And while it should’ve been her heart hurting after all this time and that awkward conversation with Dina even after their hug, after she knew that Dina cared at least, she knew that time was going to be her worst enemy here. She couldn’t fix the past few months by any means. As much as she wished to do so, she knew she could only look forward. Just take it a minute at a time like Joel would say.

  
She just hated that she didn’t really listen to it until after he was gone.

  
Her steps back to the farmhouse are quieter than when she left. Her appetite was still missing for a good amount of time and instead had come back with her arms full of a now cold burger, medical supplies, and a broken heart.

  
She didn’t care to look back at what was now empty within the house. Instead knowing that she could pass some time and get some sleep to speed up the time it’d take to see Dina again. To talk to her and try and mend things more. 

  
Even if she was terrified of it.

  
Her eyes glued onto the nearby guitar. Remembering the chords that were broken or the fingers that couldn’t play it as well as before. She’d relearn if she wanted to...but the song she’d always wanted to finish would take even longer that way. 

  
And she didn’t even know if she wanted to finish it.

  
Instead, she sat next to it. Almost like she was admiring every little part of it. The way she could just hear Joel playing her that song. Each word almost threatened to break her in the near pitch black house. 

  
But instead now, she knows that it nearly applied to her as well. She nearly lost herself going after Abby again and again. Her words to Maria and Dina weren’t any more true anymore. That for once, Ellie knew something for certain.

  
She was done with vengeance.


	2. Chapter 2

Ellie had almost been pacing for a little over an hour now, watching the sun rise near the outside of the Jackson’s center. Memories flash back to her of sitting out there or out of the farmhouse with Dina, JJ. Where she was pretending to be happy for them. Pretended that she wasn’t getting such constant nightmares over and over again of what happened. Both to Joel...and Seattle itself.

That facade was over now...and in its place was something she couldn’t tell was either for better or worse. But it was something she had at least a chance at changing.

Her eyes watch the way the town slowly regains more life once the sun is at least visible. The way the children started running out and playing, or the way people were opening up their shops or heading over to the Tipsy Bison Bar. Everything that to Ellie, showed that life was going on despite her own struggles. Both personal and those that affected Jackson too. That everything _here_ was still normal.

Even if some things _within_ Jackson were far from it…

She was pulled away from all her thoughts as she got a harsh tug on the arm. Almost putting her back to where she was in Santa Barbara, almost making her prepare herself for a hit, or a fight of some sort…

But as soon as she turned her head, familiarization and dread hit all at once. The pit in her stomach grew larger and she felt as though she could hurl at any given moment.

“Tommy-”

“We need to talk.” He interrupted. His voice harsh and calculated--much different than his now scarred appearance or the limp that he had since Seattle. “We needed to talk yesterday. As you knew.”

“Listen, I-”

“I don’t want any fucking excuses. So unless you want to have _this_ conversation in public? I suggest you follow me, Ellie.”

She gulped, and he’d already turned away from her with a face she couldn’t tell was anger or disappointment or whatever the hell else must’ve been going on in Tommy’s mind. But she listened. Making sure she was a few steps behind, her own mind racing to think of what she was going to say to him. She hadn’t exactly planned most of that out since she spoke to Dina. And there was no way she could explain _all_ of her thoughts to him.

So she just had to go with the facts. And sure, Tommy would probably be...absolutely livid. But it was all she could do. All she felt _comfortable_ doing. And while she wasn’t sure if she even deserved “comfort” at this moment, it’s all she realized she could focus on.

And telling Tommy the intricate reasons for why she _saved_ Abby instead of _killing_ her wasn’t exactly something he would take in with glee…

So she simply followed him. Hoping that he could say something along the lines of ‘Hey, glad you’re back, kiddo’. But none of that ever happened. Of course it wouldn’t. She made a promise to Tommy, and that was all he really cared about now.

She only noticed that they weren’t exactly heading to his house when he took a sudden turn. Not towards another section of the neighborhood or back towards the town’s center…

Instead, he was leading her towards the graveyard.

Ellie felt her skin go cold. Daring to begin to hurt like it would whenever she’d get those flashing images of Joel in her mind. She hadn’t had those in a while. She didn’t have to see him like that ever since she first started that fight with Abby. And now? She could feel her breath almost quicken at the idea of seeing it again. Knowing that he was going to lead her to Joel’s grave.

She didn’t know if she could handle that yet.

“Wait!” She called out to Tommy, watching the older man slowly stop in his tracks. The way his head turned her way without directly looking at her.

It was now or never...in a fucked up way.

“You want to know, right?” Ellie grimaced. Her aggressive tone almost mismatched with the emotional end to her voice. “If I fucking killed her or not?”

Tommy crossed his arms. Admittedly the answer was obvious. He was tired of waiting for answers. He just wanted it to be done and over with, more than anyone.

“Well.” Ellie shrugged, frustration easily audible in her voice. Her eyes stinging just as her skin was threatening to. “I didn’t. I didn’t fucking kill her, so you can-“

“Are you fucking serious?!”

Ellie looked up, while she was expecting some anger it surely wasn’t this. And the next thing she knew Tommy had the collar of her shirt gripped tightly in his shaking hands. Almost as if he was doing it out of grief and anger, rather than trying to attack her.

“You didn’t fucking kill her? Why the hell not?” He asked, it almost felt like he was pleading with the way he was yelling.

And she wanted to tell him. To bring the truth, but the way it caught in her throat with her pounding heart made nothing but a choked noise emit from it. Something that Tommy didn’t hear.

“Did you get the shit kicked out of you again or something?! Or did you just fucking give up on your promise?! Your promise to bring justice to her in this fucking world. After what she did to you, me, Jesse, Dina, and what she fucking did to Joel!”

There it was. Something that made her skin sting as if she was thrown into the external blast of a Bloater or Shambler. The way her heart couldn’t maintain a normal beat or the way she felt tears threatening to fall again. A part of her knew he would’ve gone there...a part of her shouldn’t have been so blind...but another just didn’t--or _couldn’t_ , prepare for it.

“What would he think of this? You walking back here with your tail between your legs and wanting pity? Joel would’ve killed her no questions asked, Ellie!”

“You don’t know what he’d want!” Ellie shouted back, trying to shove Tommy at least a few further feet away. Glaring so deep into him it was like she was seeing what he’d become. She knew how different he was after everything. And a part of her didn’t blame him. But this _infuriated_ her. If her skin didn’t feel like it was already burning she’d have been fuming even more. “Don’t you _dare_ try and say what he’d do.”

And that seemed to be the match that lit up the rest of Tommy’s fiery anger.

“He was my brother, Ellie! I survived with him for years after this damn Outbreak happened! I was there when Sarah died! And I sure as hell know him a hell of a lot better than you.”

Ellie was silent. Her jaw tightened this time not to prevent herself from crying. Her eyes would give that away easily, anyway. But to hold in her anger. Her fury at him.

_How could he say that?_

_How could he just be in her face like this?_

But Ellie didn’t do anything. She didn’t cry, she didn’t yell back. She didn’t even shove him back again when he got up in her face. Both of them fuming with anger that could be visible just by the way they stood in front of each other.

She just _looked_ at him. Looked at the way he seemed to be fuming pure _hatred_. That he didn’t understand _her_ side of it. That she should’ve just done it no questions asked.

Maybe he wouldn’t ever understand…

“Maybe you did.” She suddenly said. Tone and voice lower than his furious yell, even if she was seething in it. “But I got to _see_ the real him before this shit happened. He was different during those years we spent here than he was when you two survived out there. Time changes people Tommy. And so do actions. So I’m sorry I didn’t kill Abby. In fact I fucking saved her. You’re just going to have to live with it.”

Tommy only stared. Taking in those words like a slow poison as he rubbed his hand across his face. As if he’d been beaten over and over again every time she spoke. And maybe a part of him was. But it was something Ellie couldn’t feel remorse over. Not after her previous actions.

“You think that helps? You think that you can just win this damn argument because you didn’t keep your promise? What about what it means to _everyone_ else, Ellie? Don’t you care about anything other than how _you’ve_ felt?!”

Ellie couldn’t even think of a response. She couldn’t think _at all_ for a fact. Her skin was burning so much now it’d completely taken control of all of her responses. She couldn’t focus as her vision almost blurred. Whether it was anger, remorse, guilt, or just numbness...she didn’t know.

What she did know, however, was the sudden voice that clashed with Tommy’s. Something she could somehow focus on even if she couldn’t directly react.

“I thought I fucking told you to stop this shit, Tommy!” Dina’s voice cut through like a knife. Ellie could only stare as she watched her shove the older man back. Standing between the two like a wall. A force to be reckoned with as the two continued to argue.

Ellie’s ears rang as they continued each poisonous word.

“Do you even know what she did?! She _promised_ me and came back with nothing, Dina!”

“I don’t give a shit! You need to drop it! Get over it somehow, Tommy! It’s over. It should have been over since Seattle but you just had to fucking push it, didn’t you?!”

It was like her breath couldn’t hold in her lungs without her skin burning again. Only able to be a spectator in the argument now, trying her best to listen even through every distraction that was trying to tear her away.

“ _I pushed it_? Last I checked that fucking woman and that scar faced kid did it when they killed Joel, Jesse, and nearly killed the rest of us!”

Dina stood her ground, making sure he didn’t move a step closer. No matter what's happened to any of them in Seattle. “And she’s alive. It wouldn’t be any different if she were fucking dead. She could be dead now for god’s sake! Ellie said she’s done with it, Tommy. _You_ need to respect her fucking decision and leave her the hell alone unless you’re going to apologize.”

“Apologize? You seriously expect me to do that after what she failed to do?”

“Maybe not now.” Dina spat at him. “But don’t you dare think of talking to her again unless it’s that.”

There’s a small beat of silence. And Ellie couldn’t tell if one of them was going to start swinging at the other or not. But a crowd had definitely started gathering, staying close to the buildings across the street. Watching, almost wondering if someone else should step in with Dina. Wondering and possibly discussing for who was truly right.

But Ellie didn’t care. She wasn’t changing her mind. Not like she mistakenly did last time.

“Fine.” Tommy suddenly mumbled. His voice filled with pain more than it was anger now. And Ellie could see a hint of regret in his eyes even with whatever else he was feeling. “I don’t want her talkin’ to me either. I shouldn’t even trust her after she failed her promise.”

“Then leave. Neither of you have to talk to each other.” Dina said, placing a hand on Ellie’s shoulder as she still faced the man. “I think you should discuss some of this with Maria, whether you’re together or not. She might help you understand more of.... _this_.”

He didn’t say anything else. And as Ellie watched the way his hand balled up into a fist--only to let go seconds later, he didn’t meet her eyes. Not hers nor Dina’s. Instead walking away with some of the humility he had left. Without any parting words between any of them, Dina’s watchful eyes made sure he was out of view before turning to Ellie.

“Ellie.” Dina said, an awkward nod her way that asked the silent question.

With an unknown answer back.

She knew what Dina wanted to know. Well...at least the parts she missed out on from their yelling match. But Ellie only looked ahead. Watching the back of a singular grave. Enough to make Dina turn and stare too.

Her eyes flickered to what’s in front of it from her view. Flowers. New ones as far as she could tell. As if they’d just been picked and placed there.

A realization came crashing down on her as soon as she looked back to Dina. Another silent question being asked just by the look on her face.

“Well...I told you I visited his grave often, right?” She shrugged. Almost like she was embarrassed by the fact. “I was um...I was praying when I heard you two start yelling at each other. And at first I didn’t know if I should’ve stepped in or not because I still felt _anger_ for you...but some of the things he said-”

“I’m fine.” Ellie said. Zero emotion laid in her voice. Even if she was pleading for her skin to stop hurting, she had to admit it aloud. “You didn’t need to step in. You probably shouldn’t have. I deserved it anyway.”

“What?” Dina asked, almost exasperated by such a concept. “Ellie, don’t you _dare_ even think that for a moment.”

Ellie only bit her lip, turning away in frustration as her shaking hands were tightened into fists again. A desperate plea for them to stop. She couldn’t even collect her thoughts for more than a moment before more frustration built up. Enough to get her to speak up.

“What am I supposed to think?!” She asked, almost desperate for an answer. “I either get told to do what Joel would do or to do the opposite. How am I supposed to decide _any_ of that when I wouldn’t even fucking know _how_ he’d react to this?! Any of it!”

“You’re not-”

“Save it.” Ellie raised a hand, already turning on the spot. “I need...I need _something_ to do other than talk about _this_. Maybe just a fucking mix of the two. I don’t know. But I can’t just keep _explaining_ what I hardly know just for different answers from every damn person I talk to.”

Dina tilted her head, while there was definitely still some...distance between the two, she couldn’t help but wonder what was going on through her head. Couldn’t help but _want_ to speak more on it. Maybe a part of Ellie just really, _really_ hated people standing up for her. She remembered she did when Joel shoved Seth...but this seemed to only be a mix of everything she must’ve been feeling alongside it.

And if Dina knew Ellie as well as she thought she did, that wasn’t good for her to hold in.

She sighed. Not knowing if this was good for either of them like this. She didn’t know if they needed space or if they needed to talk more either. Everything was so damn confusing and there was no outline for anything like _this_ that she could recall. As confusing as Ellie was half the damn time, Dina felt that she understood her in a way not many others could anymore.

And it certainly worked the other way around.

“Okay.” She relented. “While I...definitely think you should be taking it easy, you could go on patrol with me. Head out to the lookouts like we used to. Talk there if we need to. We can even take an easier trail to make sure you don’t pass out on me or something...how’s that sound?”

While a piece of Ellie knew she needed to get back to the normal routine of Jackson, another winced at the memory of what happened the last time. It felt like what happened to Joel occurred such a short time ago.

But she needed to do _something_.

“We can try, I guess.”

Dina nodded, trying her best to give a little smile to make up for more of their awkwardice. “Okay. Hope you don’t mind getting a new horse.”

She could almost smirk at that. “What was the alternative?”

“Either walking or sharing a horse with me.”

“Oh. So both options that’d get me killed.”

Dina feigned offense, but the reason she smiled after wasn’t because of an admittedly pretty good joke, but because of the small one she saw amidst Ellie’s face. _That_ was enough for her to mirror it.

“Last I checked _you’re_ the one who got Shimmer blown up.” She winked, already heading off in the direction of the stables. Leaving a slightly shocked Ellie to have to catch up on her heels.

“I can _not_ believe you right now.”

“Better get believin’, Ellie. Because if Maria’s there, you better be good at convincing her.”

“Not at all,”

* * *

Ellie watched the path ahead from where she sat on her horse. Almost admiring the way the rising sun glinted off of the trees. Not with the massive heat Santa Barbara brought or the rainy storms Seattle would bring, but with a quiet peace that let her mind roam.

She had to admit, it felt... _odd_ hearing that spiel of what they should do if they ran into too much trouble again. And even _more_ alien when it wasn’t from Jesse...something that would probably stay in her mind for a while until she got used to whoever else was saying it to her.

But even then, being out within a semi familiar area was already almost forgotten to say the least…

“So…” Dina began, trotting her horse up a but closer to Ellie’s. She looked at the way the latter didn’t even hear her. The way she still looked around their environment like she was _looking_ for something. Like she was _expecting_ something to happen like what happened to Joel.

“Ellie?” She repeated, watching the way the girl looked over in an instant. Almost wary if anything _was_ to go wrong. “You okay?”

Ellie shrugged, almost as if it was obvious. “What? Yeah.”

“I mean-”

“I know.” She nodded her way. “I’m okay.”

There’s that light smile from Dina again. The one that makes her forget most of what happened. The one that makes her feel like they’re back at that dance. And even if nothing’s really the same anymore, that was the one thing that could ground her in reality so easily. “Okay.”

Another minute of silence went by. It wasn’t the awkward tension Ellie felt every so often, or the one where she was trying to think of what to say before someone else in her life would leave, but one where she felt a bit more peace after everything that's occurred. Where her skin doesn’t hurt and she feels like she can _heal_. Even with everything else that would do the opposite.

“I...do have a question though.” Dina asked, an almost playful tone in her voice as Ellie was almost expecting to be teased in some way.

She wasn’t completely wrong.

So she let her face bask in some of the sunlight that was leaking past the canopies of trees. Aware of the bright colors around them like the dance’s lights. This time it was truly _only_ the two of them out here. Without anyone watching or people like Seth to intrude. “Hm?”

“Why’d you take the guitar with you instead of a rifle?”

The question made her more aware of the weight on her back. The way it was uneven and different than the rifle sling she’d grown used to for literal months. She wondered how she looked, especially to some of the others when she and Dina started to ride out. A smirk played on her face at the thought.

But the guitar was definitely not a weapon...at least not in the way a person would imagine when they think of the word ‘weapon’.

“Felt like I had to.” She offered. Watching Dina to garner her reaction.

It wasn’t humorous or there to make fun of her, but understanding in a sense. Like she knew _exactly_ what Ellie was talking about.

“I get that.” Dina nodded. “Used to do that with the bracelet. Before I realized you needed it more.”

Ellie looked down to the item on her wrist. Even after all she put it through, the little glint of silver and the details on the eye stared back up at her the same way it always had. As if it hadn’t been touched by anything.

Her eyes looked back up to Dina, an almost guilty expression on the former’s face. “Listen, if you want it back I can-”

“No.” Dina said a little too quickly, putting a hand up and shaking her head with that damned smile again. “It’s okay. I _want_ you to have it, Ellie. Whether it’s for luck or memories...it’s yours.”

Ellie looked down, gliding her thumb over the bracelet. It’s a small thing. To give up something you care for unceremoniously because another person in your mind needs it ‘more’. And while Ellie wishes a part of her might do the same with the guitar some day, she can’t imagine it in her head.

Not that simply at least…maybe she’d give it to JJ when he got older-

JJ.

“How’s JJ?” She suddenly blurted out, a near worry evident on her face like the bite on her arm used to be.

Dina seemed to be surprised at it too. Tilting her head at Ellie at the sudden burst of energy she seemingly had. “He’s good. He’s gotten bigger, probably more energy than us combined.”

Ellie smiled. A relief and warmth flooding her heart quickly. “Yeah. I can’t say I’m too surprised at that honestly.” And it’s a small amount of something _good._ Like the small bit she got from seeing Maria for the first time in months. Or when Dina and her could still act like they used to even with the concrete walls painted with the obvious. It’s only Dina’s words after that send it down deeper than she’d imagined. Right into the growing pool of guilt.

“He’s missed you, you know.”

She bit her lip. She knew more than Dina could ever imagine. Those nights with her skin burning and hurting out in Santa Barbara’s scorching heat, the way the two pains were so _different_. The ways she thought of their laughs, what she imagined Joel could’ve said if he ever got to meet them. The nights she’d cried herself to sleep or exhausted herself out with her own thoughts.

She remembered imagining how Dina and JJ could go on without her. How she thought she wouldn’t return home to them just like Dina feared.

And how she didn’t care.

So she only nodded towards Dina. Knowing that her complications didn’t need to drag her down with her. That it was something she herself would have to deal with. No pity party, nothing to just “help”. No advice.

She didn’t deserve it.

“But…” Dina’s voice entered again. Lighter than the almost guilty, emotional one from just a sentence prior. “He’ll be happy. To see you again.”

Ellie’s eyes widened. Both in shock and surprise that she’d even gotten that chance. If it had been the other way around she probably wouldn’t have said _anything_ similar--more so the exact opposite. So to hear it now? It was almost alien.

“You’d let me?”

“Yeah? I mean…” Dina paused, her head almost lost in thought. “It’s obvious he _matters_ to you, you know? And I think you’d have a positive impact on his life.”

“Me? I don’t think you’ve met me.” Ellie laughed, her horse lifting its head as if it’d been agreeing with her.

“Right.” Dina rolled her eyes. “But seriously. You could teach him things no one else would know. Things you and Joel learned after...so much time out there.”

Ellie almost frowned at the name. At the memory of all they’d been through just to lead them to where they were now. But there were good parts. Funny parts. Parts where she felt human even after all the horrible shit she saw or did.

And maybe that’s what would be most important to JJ...later on at least.

“I...yeah. I’d like that.” She paused, almost immediately going to correct herself. Knowing that she didn’t deserve to have this for _her_ specifically. “I think it’d help him. Even if I’m just teaching him my mistakes.”

Dina only nodded, a growing smile escaping her lips. “You’ve done a lot of good, too. Sure the bad might...stick with people for a while. But the good you do will still escape through. Slowly but surely.”

Ellie was letting herself be a little more hopeful after that. And only then did she turn her attention fully to the trail around them. The parts she could remember from their last patrol out in winter. How some of the buildings almost looked like they’d changed. How different they felt to be around.

How Ellie couldn’t look at them without expecting a WLF member, Seraphite, or Rattler to be hidden within.

She grazed her injured hand over her pistol holster. Tightening it into a fist soon after as she reassured herself in her head multiple times.

_This wasn’t Seattle._

_This wasn’t Santa Barba._

_This is Jackson._

_This is home._

_They aren’t here anymore._

She let out a sigh that was waiting too long to be let loose. Hardly noticing the way Dina looked at her, almost wary. As if she herself had been expecting something as well.

“We could search those houses if you want.” She suggested. “I’m not sure much will be in them, but it could be worth a try if you want to make sure.”

Ellie only shook her head at it. “Nah, we checked it last time we were on this trail. We should just keep going.”

It was more moments like that that’d occurred. Where Dina would suggest they stop somewhere, maybe rest or check for supplies. Where she’d notice Ellie was looking at them and waiting for some maniac to come sprinting out and try to attack them. But every time it was denied. Either with the excuse that nothing was inside, or that it didn’t feel right. She didn’t pry any of those times, but Dina couldn’t help but feel a part of Ellie wanted to get this over with.

The least she could do was help her be distracted when they got there.

“There’s been a lot less infected here recently.” She suddenly mentioned, looking for any hint of curiosity on Ellie. When there was none, she continued. “The ones we find are normally just stragglers. It’s weird.”

“Yeah.” Ellie only sighed. As if she wasn’t paying full attention to the conversation. “Better than hordes, though.”

Dina only looked at her. A blank expression on her face as she was pondering what either should be said, or needed to be. “We’re almost there.”

“What?”

“To the first lookout post. You remember the logbooks?”

“Oh. Yeah.” Ellie stated simply. A question suddenly popping in her mind as she remembered from the last time they’d ventured up to the tower. Something that was daring to make her skin hurt again. And something that made the guitar feel much heavier on her back.

“Is it still the same logbook there?”

Dina looked at her, confused. As if she was trying to put together a broken puzzle with the wrong pieces. “Um...yeah, why?”

Ellie didn’t answer, instead looking down to her horse. If it was the same logbook, that meant that...far back in the book...would be Joel’s name.

_His last patrol with Tommy before everything went to hell._

“Hey, listen.” Dina’s voice brought her back from the thought. Seemingly understanding what she was going on about. “We can just...replace it or something. It’s almost filled anyway.”

“No.” She waved a hand back, already noticing how the tower had been getting closer and closer. “It shouldn’t matter, anyway.”

Dina’s brows only furrowed. “But it does to _you_.”

Ellie felt frustration growing in her chest. She didn’t know why and couldn’t get her shaking hands to stop no matter how tightly she held onto the reins.

“This shouldn’t even be about me.” Her outburst started. “More people should be pissed at me from everything than just offering me so much when I’ve done nothing good for them.” Her eyes flickered to Dina. All the confusion and frustration would’ve washed away in an instant if it hadn’t been building like this. “Like you. I just don’t get it.”

Dina looked a little confused. Tilting her head as she tried to come up with the right words to explain it. “You _want_ people to be mad at you? To look at you bad or to whisper things about you when you aren’t there to defend yourself?”

“No, but-”

“Because they were Ellie. They did that when you left. So many people were confused and Maria obviously didn’t know. Tommy didn’t fucking tell anyone, either. So when people kept talking about you or saying that you made the wrong choice? I _defended_ you. Even when I agreed with them. Because to me? I didn’t think it was their right to make that opinion _for me.”_

Her head turned to the slightly barred off wall. Too thin for their horses to reach through, and too tall for them to jump over. It went unsaid as the two girls got off of their horses. Making short and slight eye contact as similar thoughts ravaged their minds.

To Ellie, she knew Dina had spoken to others on her behalf. But to that extent? To defend her when she hadn’t deserved it? It almost felt unfair. She almost felt guilty for it. Even if it was technically a ‘good thing’.

And it isn’t until Dina grabbed her arm before she opened the door did Ellie realize how much mattered here. How much she truly put at stake.

“Ellie…” She began, shaking her head as if she was trying to fight off tears. “I haven’t forgiven you yet.”

There’s a held breath from Ellie as Dina walked into the lookout spot. A part of her could feel relieved that the consequences to her actions and route to revenge wouldn’t go away simply. Not when she’d let her own anger towards Abby go on for far too long. But another could hardly wince at that twinge of guilt over Dina.

_At least she was honest._

Ellie’s breath still felt rugged and late when she walked in. Her eyes could’ve gone to the view from the lookout tower if it hadn’t been for Dina signing them in on the logbook. Either trying to protect Ellie from going back so many pages just to find Joel’s name, or the thought just simply hadn’t crossed her mind.

“I doubt there’ll be any infected roaming around. If there are, it'll probably just be stragglers.”

Ellie forced her eyes away from the book. Instead looking at the binoculars Dina held in her hands. The way she leaned against the barrier and stared into the outside like it had so much to offer. Like it was full of life and wasn’t full of people or infected that would try to kill her in any given second.

And a part of Ellie wished the world was like that. Just so she could give it to Dina.

“Probably.” She agreed, roaming slowly up to the spot next to Dina. “Though it’ll be harder to see them since it’s not winter.”

“Maybe.” The girl next to her shrugged. “But if there are any, I’m sure you’d spot them.”

There’s only the tiniest smile on Ellie’s face when she said that. And the one she got in return was nearly enough to make her own into a grin.

_Nearly_.

“Sounds like you’re putting a lot of confidence in _my_ skills.” Ellie nudged, smirking at her as she waited for that classic sarcastic reaction.

Dina rolled her eyes. _Exactly_ like Ellie expected. “Don’t let it get to your head.”

_Already did._ Ellie told herself. And maybe it was just a poor choice of words on Dina’s part--something she couldn’t blame her for, but she knew that her skin would sting at the memory of it.

_It always did_.

So she looked for a distraction. Her eyes gazed between Dina and the scenery around them. Distractedly searching for any stragglers that could’ve been left behind. For the beauty of the world in the safety of the tower. The way Dina still had that humanity in her, that caring side that JJ would grow up with. Rather than the lack of Ellie grew up to.

It meant they both had a chance. And Ellie swore to herself to protect that. To protect them.

_No matter the cost._

She could almost laugh. The way it sounded like she was returning to old ways. But this was with a promise to never leave. And she didn’t think of what she’d do if something were to happen.

She wouldn’t let it.

Her thoughts are only interrupted when Dina tapped her shoulder, eyes still peering deeply into the binoculars as her voice slowly became clearer with the girl’s attention.

“-Ellie. _Ellie.”_

“What? What is it?” She asked. The answer came to her nearly immediately as Dina didn’t turn her attention yet. Instead slinging the rifle back to her shoulder with a quickened pace.

“Stragglers. Near the next post. Too many to leave out.” She sighed, looking back towards Ellie. As if she’d been hesitant to ask her. “You okay with going out there?”

“Always.” Ellie forced a smile. It was simple really. Just some simple stragglers like they always dealt with.

_She just hoped it wouldn’t get worse…_

And as she and Dina started back for their horses, Ellie began to think she should’ve brought a rifle after all.


End file.
